My Reputation Era: 45 Years Older & Ever Wiser

Turning 45 had me reflecting on Taylor Swift’s Reputation album, twenty years in business, boundaries, becoming, and the reputation we’re actually trying to build.

Happy 45th Birthday to Me

Happy 45th Birthday to myself & I’m leaning hard into my Reputation era.

Every year for my birthday, I find myself trying to outdo previous birthday shoots & plans… Because I LOVE birthdays, I go ALL in!!!!

• 28- Harry Potter Triwizard Cup.
• 29- Roaring 20’s- The end of an age.
• 30- 30 flirty & pregnant. lol.
• 40- Come on Barbie, let’s go party.
• 42- I’m Feeling 42- TS Eras Tour.
• 44- Tortured Pool Department…

I skipped 30 to 40- Because I spent it planning extra extravagant parties for my son. lol. I lived vicariously through him. Now he’s a teenager and doesn’t want that from me, I’m back to obsessing over my birthday again.

But now…

Forty-five.

This officially makes me middle-aged. And I’ve been trying to decide if this birthday feels like a milestone. But honestly….Not really. I’m already looking forward to 50. I fully intend to throw some sort of ridiculous “Eras of My Life” party where every decade gets its own outfit and soundtrack.

But 45?

It’s kind of… the middle. And that has Jimmy Eat World on repeat in my brain.

“It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright.”

Seeeee I do listen to other music than Taylor.

This feels true this year.

Why Reputation?

But also…full circle back to Taylor. I literally can’t help myself. Look What You Made Me Do!

As I reflected & thought about how to celebrate this middle phase & what vibe to lean into for my birthday shoot- I realized that Reputation kept standing out to me. Not because I’m excessively angry (I’ll explain Taylor’s take on Rep more below) but because I’ve been working to prioritise what I’ll put up with in my life. After all it’s my F* It 40’s. lol.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve stopped trying SO hard to have everyone else approve of me and started becoming exactly who I wanted to be – always- even when I felt like others might not approve or find fault.

That didn’t happen overnight. It has been years of really hard work.

• Fighting my people-pleasing nature.
• Learning that peacekeeping isn’t always peacemaking.
• Realizing that loving people well doesn’t mean abandoning myself.
• I can be my kind loving extra self without letting other people’s opinion of me blur those lines or trigger shame.
• I don’t ever want to lose my kindness.
• It’s one of my favorite things about who I am…
• But I’ve also learned kindness without boundaries can turn into resentment or getting taken advantage of.
• So, I’ve spent years learning that I’m not responsible for carrying everyone else’s emotions.
• Sometimes people misunderstand me.
• Sometimes people are disappointed.
• Sometimes someone else’s reaction has absolutely nothing to do with me.
• And even when my natural response is to be ashamed … I don’t have to.
• And sometimes the kindest thing I can do—for both of us—is simply take a deep breath and walk away to ground myself and reset my goals and CHOOSE the life I want.
• One where I am celebrated – not tolerated.

That isn’t selfish.

It isn’t unloving.

It’s healthy.

And honestly…

I’m still learning.

What Taylor Swift’s Reputation Really Means

I’ve spent over half my life figuring out who I am.

• Learning what I value.
• Learning what I want.
• Learning what I don’t know.
• And who I want to become.

I’ve spent decades growing, failing, rebuilding, refining, changing my mind, setting boundaries, becoming a better leader, a better business owner, a better wife, a better mom, a better friend… and hopefully, a better human.

I never want to stop becoming.

And somewhere in all of that…

I’ve built a …are you ready for it…?

REPUTATION

So now ensues my “rant bridge”…. I’ll now explain what I mean about this Reputation era that I’ve decided I’m in and leaning hard into for this photoshoot.

I think the biggest misconception about Taylor Swift’s Reputation album is that it’s an album about revenge.

Taylor has said multiple times that it isn’t.

She described it as an album about:

• discovering who was really there for her after the noise got loud
• public perception
• reclaiming her narrative
• protecting what mattered
• finding love
• discovering what was real
• walking away from people she no longer trusted
• letting go of trying to convince everyone she was good
• realizing not everyone deserves access to her
• prioritizing the people who actually knew her
• people thinking they know her or the story because they’ve read the headlines. But headlines are never the whole story.

That’s also why the album artwork is covered in newspaper print.

That’s why the first single is so theatrical.

Maybe that’s why the album opens with “…Ready For It?” and closes with “New Year’s Day.” It begins with the world’s perception. It ends with the quiet, real version of herself that exists after everyone else goes home after the party.

One of the things I’ve always loved about Taylor’s Reputation album is that, underneath all the glitter, snakes, and newspaper headlines, it’s really about something much quieter & stronger and a BECOMING era.

It’s about the difference between who people think you are…

And who you actually are.

And how much of other people’s perception you are going to allow to take over your truth.

It felt like Taylor was saying:

“You can believe whatever version of me you want. I’m going to protect what actually matters.”

The Stories People Tell About Us

And I can relate.

I’m learning that sometimes the story someone creates about me MIGHT have very little to do with me at all. (Like her reference to the song Mirrorball in the recent New York Times songwriter interview.)

Example:

Maybe someone thinks I’m…

• Too much.
• Too expressive.
• Too emotional.
• Too ambitious.
• Too direct.
• Too stylish.
• Too loud.
• Too whatever.

But maybe… that doesn’t actually make it the truth.

Maybe it’s simply touching something inside of them.

• A fear.
• An insecurity.
• A past experience.
• A belief they hold about themselves.

I’ve spent years trying to untangle all of that. I’ve always thought it was my issue if someone didn’t like something about me… Never anyone else’s issue. I’ve been so afraid to have a victim mentality that instead I carry all their baggage up the street. (IYKYK)

• Trying to convince everyone I am worth it. (But I know I am!)
• Trying to make everyone comfortable. (Not my job.)
• Trying to smooth over every misunderstanding. (Hello childhood trauma.)

My forties have been focused on learning a way to think differently BUT not abandon my kindness, vulnerability, love and all the qualities I love about myself and certainly not losing my moral compass.

I can be kind without carrying everyone else’s version of me or their own issues.

I can love people deeply without making their perception my responsibility.

That’s been one of the healthiest boundaries I’ve ever learned (I mean… still learning- lol. It’s not my natural response.)

As Taylor wisely says,

“Never be so kind, you forget to be clever.

Never be so clever, you forget to be kind.”

The Reputation I’ve Spent Twenty Years Building

This Reputation era bleeds into my role as a business owner because it’s one of the largest roles in my life.

I’ve spent 20 years building my business & reputation.

BUT I’ve also struggled the last 5 years with people having built a reputation for me as JUST a photographer.

And while I’m proud of that reputation…

It’s never been the whole story.

There is SO much more to me & my business.

So much below the fold to unveil.

It’s about what I hope people experience when they work with me or even interact with me.

Did they

feel seen?

cared for?

trust me?

Did I keep my word?

Was I honest & vulnerable, even when it was hard?

Did I leave them better than I found them?

That’s the reputation I’ve spent twenty years trying to build.

My photography business has been one of the biggest ways I’ve lived that out.

It’s the work most people know me for because I’ve spent a full twenty years behind the camera. I’ve captured countless stories & thousands of families, small businesses, weddings, kids, seniors, events – pretty much anything you can think of.

But somewhere along the way…

That story quietly started growing into something more.

People think I’ve spent 20 years building a photography business.

I’ve actually spent 20 years building a business that happened to begin with photography.

The Agency Was Never the Plan

About 17 years ago, just a few years into my business, I created a really small workshop called Launch.

Not for photographers.

Not to teach people how to use a camera.

But because I had fallen in love with business itself.

The strategy.

The systems.

The psychology.

The branding.

The operations.

The creative thinking.

The way a thoughtfully built business can completely change someone’s life.

I wanted other small business owners to experience that too.

To build businesses that aligned with their values.

Businesses that supported the life they wanted to live.

Businesses that weren’t just beautiful from the outside, but actually worked behind the scenes.

As I grew…My skills grew.

And as my skills grew…

So did the ways I could serve people.

AND my agency GREW.

A slow & sure fire.

BUT VERY FEW SAW IT.

I didn’t advertise or market it. I just offered it when someone came to me with a business problem or question.

Honestly, I think my audience thought it was for photographers.

But it never was.

It was a small business class for anyone who wanted to launch, refine or scale their business!

I was up for helping anyone and everyone that wanted to build something for themselves.

The other truth is while still running a very successful photography business, being a wife & raising a neurodiverse son, I haven’t had much time or energy or budget to throw at building the Agency.

THEN I got SUPER lucky during Covid.

When the photography world dipped to crickets I exploded in my agency.

I built out a website, built out other offerings and it was wildly successful.

Because people had lost their jobs & realized today was the day to plunge into that dream.

And word of mouth—“reputation precedes me”—said:

“Tracy has a class…”

” builds websites…”

“can design that…”

“Teach you that…”

“Help you with that.”

And it went crazy AWESOME!

I entirely replaced my income and launched myself into an even higher income FROM the agency!

I thought…

WOW. I did it!

But then it started slowing down again and photography skyrocketed again.

And again, I lost the time to market, advertise & talk about it.

My reputation as a photographer has truly been a BIG REPUTATION and it’s been so hard to break free from JUST this arena.

Don’t get me wrong…

I don’t want to stop being a photographer.

I think I always will be on some scale or another.

Photography never stopped being my foundation.

But my ambitions and dreams have grown to help small businesses in so much more.

• Brand strategy
• Website & graphic design
• Creative direction
• Operations & Systems
• Education – courses & workshops
• Consulting & Brand Therapy
• Marketing

Not because I sat down one day and decided,

“I’m going to build an agency.”

But because every time a client came to me with a new problem, I wanted to help solve it.

I cannot stop myself.

It’s life giving to help someone become.

One solution led to another.

One skill led to another.

One “yes” led to another.

Until one day I looked up and realized…

I’d quietly built something much bigger than a photography business.

The Camera Was Never the Destination

People think I’ve spent 20 years building a photography business.

I’ve actually spent 20 years building a business that happened to begin with photography.

OKAY SO WHY ALL THE NEWSPAPERS?

Because it’s giving Rep era…

But mostly because newspapers tell stories.

They introduce people.

announce what’s new.

mark the beginning of a new chapter.

And this newsletter is exactly that.

It’s my way of saying…

Hi. Nice to meet you again.

Maybe you’ve known me for twenty years.

you’ve only known me as “the photographer.”

Maybe today you discovered I’m also…

A strategist.

An educator.

A creative director.

A consultant.

A business nerd.

A Swiftie. (You already knew that—everyone knows that! 😂)

Or maybe you simply got to know me a little better.

So moving into my late 40’s era, I hope when people think of me they don’t first think…

“She’s a great photographer.”

I hope they think…

“She cared.”

“kept her word.”

“made me feel safe.”

“showed up.”

“She loved me well.”

“breathed life into my dreams.”

If photography helped me build that reputation…Then I think I’ve done something worthwhile.

That is the heart of both Fully Alive Photography and The Fully Alive Agency.

The camera was never the destination. It was simply where the story began.

It’s the vehicle through which I’ve expressed my values for the last twenty years.

Whatever brought you here…I’m really glad.

Because this next chapter of Fully Alive is one I’m excited about.

Thanks for reading the longest blog of your life that really deserves its own Substack account.

If you read both the newsletter and the blog, you may have noticed they’re almost identical. That was intentional. I made the blog exactly 45 words longer, bringing my total birthday word count to 4,545. If you caught the Easter egg, we’re probably friends.

XOXO- Joyfully

Tracy Ann